冷笑话集

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:21:18

　　When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mum said no.
　　
　　She had a brother who died in a horrible Motorcycle accident when he was 18. So she said I could just have his.
　　
　　我高中毕业以后，想用毕业奖金买辆摩托车，但是妈妈不同意。
　　
　　她说，我舅舅就是18岁死于一场严重的摩托车事故
　　
　　所以
　　
　　我骑他的车就好了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:23:03

　　You know you’re in love when you start wearing condoms with the other girls.
　　
　　当你跟别的女孩乱搞开始用套的时候，那就说明你爱上这个女孩了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:23:33

　　I wrote a 403 page essay about the internet.
　　
　　There was another page but I can’t find it.
　　
　　我写了一篇403页的关于网络的论文
　　
　　还有一页找不到了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:24:37

　　Maths problems, the only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
　　
　　我就不懂了，算术题中总有个人要买60个西瓜
　　
　　都没有人质疑一下为什么的

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:45:17

　　　　Rebbecca Black once said in an interview: "I can't write music without inspiration."
　　　　
　　　　I think you have put 2 words too many in that sentence, love.
　　　　
　　　　Rebbecca Black在一次采访中说：没有灵感，我不能创作音乐。
　　　　
　　　　我觉得前半句多余了，美女~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:46:49

　　I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.
　　
　　I cant believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.
　　
　　那天我走在街上被一个绿色和平组织的人拦下来。
　　
　　他说，如果我不每个月捐2块钱的话，非洲的人民就会死的。
　　
　　我简直不敢相信绿色和平都雇了些什么样的暴民啊！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:47:24

　　Thank fuck Facebook is back up.
　　
　　I've had to phone 247 of my friends to tell them 'I hate work, I'm having a glass of wine and going to bed, lol'. It's taken me all night!

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:47:55

　　The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
　　
　　我买ipad的唯一原因是iphone太小怕别人看不见！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:48:54

　　What's the biggest difference between men and women?
　　
　　What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
　　
　　男人和女人最大的区别是什么？
　　
　　“我看电影用光了一盒抽纸”含义是不同的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:51:59

　　My mother-in-law borrowed £500 from me and I've not seen the bitch for 6 months !
　　
　　Well worth it if you ask me!
　　
　　我丈母娘借了我5000块钱，这半年来我就再没见过她！~
　　
　　这钱花的真是太值了！！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:52:30

　　A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
　　His wife replies, "You've got a bigger dick than your brother."

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:53:40

　　For thousands of years, human beings have milked cows and consumed the milk.
　　
　　It just makes you wonder: who actually discovered that cows could be milked and what was he TRYING to do?
　　
　　人类喝牛奶的历史已经有几千年了。
　　
　　我就纳闷了：谁是第一个发现奶牛可以挤奶的？
　　
　　他当时到底想做！什！么！？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-10 09:54:02

　　10 reasons why men are lazy:
　　
　　1)
　　
　　我们男人懒有10条原因
　　
　　第一

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:32:58

　　My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute.
　　
　　I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:34:04

　　You know the women that say:
　　
　　"Why are hot guys always jerks, the nice guys always taken, and the hot and nice guys always gay?"
　　
　　You're fat. Stop making fucking excuses.
　　
　　女孩子们总是说：
　　
　　这一切都素为虾米！
　　
　　帅哥都是混球，好男人都有主了，又帅又好的都是gay
　　
　　长的肥就不要再给自己找借口了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:34:31

　　Being from Scotland, I love the summer.
　　
　　It's my favourite day of the year.
　　
　　作为一个苏格兰人，我爱夏天。
　　
　　那是我一年中最爱的一天。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:35:11

　　Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time.
　　
　　Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant
　　
　　用大头针扎漏我好朋友的TT真是个好主意
　　事与愿违的是我媳妇怀孕了...

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:35:35

　　My grandad survived the great war...
　　
　　...or as he called it, 'marriage'.
　　
　　我爷在一场大战中幸存下来了
　　
　　或者换另一种说法 “婚姻”...

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:36:00

　　If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
　　
　　如果素食主义者那么爱动物，他们干嘛把人家的食物都吃光了？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:37:07

　　What's the difference between the government and organised crime?
　　
　　One is organised.
　　
　　政府和有组织的犯罪有什么区别？
　　
　　其中一个是有组织的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:37:49

　　Like most people my age,
　　
　　I'm 27.
　　
　　正如大部分同龄人一样
　　
　　我27岁了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:38:46

　　I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.
　　
　　I plan to sell the secret to Dettol.
　　
　　我成功滴发明了可以杀除0.1%真菌的厨房清洗剂~
　　
　　我打算把这一配方卖给滴露。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:41:56

　　I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
　　
　　Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
　　
　　那些动不动就说我们美国是世界第一蠢国的人最讨厌了~
　　
　　欧洲才是最蠢的国家好不好

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:42:26

　　When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
　　
　　我小时候夜夜祈祷上帝给我一辆自行车
　　
　　然后我发现上帝不是这个路数
　　
　　所以我偷了一辆，然后祈求他原谅我

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:44:55

　　If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
　　
　　如果你强上了一个妓女
　　
　　这算奸呢，还是盗呢？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:46:05

　　Boy: "Do you want to play the fire engine game?"
　　Girl: "How do you play that?"
　　Boy: "My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say ’Red light!’ when you want me to stop."
　　Girl: "Okay, let’s play."
　　After a few seconds...
　　Girl: "Red light!"
　　Boy: "Fire engines don’t stop for red lights."
　　
　　男孩：你想不想玩消防车的游戏？
　　女孩：怎么玩啊
　　男孩：我手指头就是消防车，在你腿上开。你一说“红灯”，我就停了。
　　女孩：好吧。那就开始玩吧
　　
　　几秒钟后。。。
　　
　　女孩：红灯！
　　男孩：消防车遇红灯不停

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:46:51

　　Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?
　　
　　孤儿能看”家长指导下观看”的电影吗？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:52:57

　　I didn’t realise how much I missed my wife until today...
　　
　　When I ran out of dishes and had to use the glass one from the microwave.
　　
　　知道今天我才知道自己多想老婆！
　　
　　实在是再没有干净的碗，我把微波炉里的玻璃盘都拿来用了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:55:15

　　I was visiting my wife in hospital because she has a wounded leg.
　　
　　The doctor said, "Can you describe what happened please."
　　
　　I said, "Well, she got shot."
　　
　　He said, "You’ll have to be more accurate."
　　
　　I said, "I know, but I’m not very experienced with guns."
　　
　　我上医院看老婆，她腿受伤了。
　　医生说：跟我说说怎么回事呗
　　我说：呃，她挨了一枪
　　医生说：你能再准确点么
　　我说：我也想啊，但我不是很会用枪

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:55:47

　　I love watching women’s heavyweight boxing.
　　It’s hilarious to see them fight back tears when the announcer tells everyone their weight.
　　
　　我爱看女子重量级拳击比赛。
　　播音员向全场报出她们体重时，看她们强忍眼泪的样子真是太欢乐了。

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