冷笑话集

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:09:44

　　Been sitting at work watching the horrible videos from Japan on my laptop.
　　
　　Why do they always pixelate the private parts?.
　　
　　上班的时候，我一直坐在电脑前，看着来自日本那些可怕的影像。
　　
　　真是太可怕了，竟然有码！！！！！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:11:02

　　I called my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay.
　　
　　"How many fucking times do I have to tell you? I'm Korean and live in Ontario!"
　　
　　I still sent him the aid package, just in case he was lying.
　　
　　我给一个日本朋友打电话问他还好吗
　　
　　“哇了个操啊，我说了N遍了我是韩国人，住在安大略！！！”
　　
　　我还是给他寄了个急救包，万一他骗我呢。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:13:58

　　Wife: If i get fat and ugly will you still be with me?
　　Husband starts laughing
　　Wife: What??
　　Husband: Im still here aren't I?
　　
　　妻子：如果我变胖变丑了，你还会跟我在一起吗？
　　丈夫开始大笑。
　　妻子：干嘛？？
　　丈夫：我还在这呢，有木有？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:17:04

Justin Bieber is planning on adding Japan to his upcoming world tour.

Haven''t they suffered enough?

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:17:22

　　Why do Japanese people always bow?
　　
　　Because they don't like waves.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:19:24

　　My daughter's just hit the age where she asks questions about everything.
　　
　　What are you doing daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy?
　　
　　It's hard feeding your kids vegetables.
　　
　　我女儿长大了，什么都要问个为什么。
　　
　　爸爸你干嘛呢啊？为什么把那个塞我嘴里啊？为什么味道怪怪的呀？
　　
　　喂她吃点蔬菜就难死个人。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:20:48

　　How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?
　　
　　Tell them it's nearly finished.
　　
　　你怎么劝说美国人加入一场战争？
　　
　　告诉他们快打完了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:21:58

　　I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 232 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
　　
　　我都不知道我们英国人为什么不庆祝7月4号。
　　232年前正式摆脱美国真是一件开心的事情。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:22:28

I don't know why my eyes hurt. I've been up all night googling to find out why.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:23:56

　　We sat down our 11 year old daughter today, explaining that without a job or mothering skills she shouldn't really be keeping her new baby girl.
　　
　　Besides, it's parents were going fucking mental searching for it in that park.
　　
　　今天我们坐下来跟十一岁的女儿恳谈，向她说明又没工作又没哺育能力，她真不应该留下这个新生的小女孩。
　　
　　再说，人家爹妈正在公园疯找这孩子呢。

cy183 · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:24:00

sidouxx 发表于 2012-1-8 10:09
　　Been sitting at work watching the horrible videos from Japan on my laptop.
　　
　　Why do the ...

还没睡呵

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:24:16

　　My mother always told me that a good man is hard to find.
　　
　　By that logic Bin Laden is the finest man to have ever lived.
　　
　　我妈老说，好男人啊是特别特别难找的。
　　
　　照这逻辑，这世上出过的最好的男人是本·拉登。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-8 10:25:24

　　Sky News: A carpenter has been found guilty of murdering two of his girlfriends and throwing their chopped-up bodies into a canal.
　　
　　What a sick bastard! I mean, what kind of person cheats on his girlfriend?
　　
　　新闻：一木匠因谋杀他两个女友并把碎尸扔到运河里而获罪。
　　
　　这王八蛋！我是说，什么人呢，对自己女朋友劈腿？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 08:58:59

　　Women fucking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!
　　
　　How am I supposed to prepare myself with these fucking mind games?
　　
　　女司机？哇嘞个靠啊！
　　
　　我下班开车回家对吧
　　
　　前面有个女司机打了左灯
　　
　　你们猜她然后干了什么？！
　　
　　她左转了！！！！！！！！！！！
　　
　　这他娘的叫我真是措手不及啊

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:00:29

　　How do you tell when an Indian boy becomes a man?
　　When the nappy goes from the arse to the head......
　　怎么区别印度男孩和印度男人？
　　小孩子PP上包着布，男人头上包着布

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:02:04

　　Just see on the sun website that David Cameron has given Â£650m to India to help get 4000 poor people in to schools.
　　
　　Next week he is going to do the same and try to get another family into a school
　　
　　刚刚从太阳网站上看到新闻说大卫捐出6亿5千万英镑用来来帮助印度4000个穷人进入学校。他下周决定做同样的事情来试图帮助另外一个家庭进入学校。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:03:49

　　I went up to a girl in a club and said, "Do you want to have sex right now?"
　　
　　She said, "No!"
　　
　　I said, "Do you even know what I said?"
　　
　　She said, "Yes."
　　
　　I said, "What did I say?"
　　
　　She said, "Do you want to have sex right now."
　　
　　I said, "Yes," then got my cock out.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:05:28

　　What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat?
　　A dandy lion.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:06:29

　　Me and my wife went up to our son and said "We're going to Disneyland".
　　He was so excited.
　　I don't know why, I never said he was coming
　　
　　我和老婆，到了儿子那儿，说：咱要去迪斯尼了哦
　　他好兴奋
　　我不知道他兴奋个什么劲儿，我又没说要带他去

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:08:30

　　Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 3,000 sausages?
　　
　　It’s amazing what you can teach them
　　
　　你知道要用40头猪才能做出3000根香肠吗？
　　
　　太神了吧，谁教它们的？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:09:08

　　Beware: use of the Nintendo 3DS can sometimes lead to headaches, nausea, dark circles around the eyes, broken noses and cracked ribs if you fucking touch it again woman.
　　
　　警告：使用任天堂3DS掌机可能导致头痛、恶心、黑眼圈、断鼻梁、断肋骨。
　　
　　死女人你再碰一下试试！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:09:24

　　My wife angered me by saying I had no imagination at all.
　　
　　So I punched her in the face so hard, it looked like someone had punched her in the face.
　　
　　我老婆整天说我缺乏想象力，我被激怒了~！
　　
　　所以我照她脸上就是一拳，这样她的脸看上去就象被打了一拳一样。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:09:56

One guy was so fat, he had his own area code. 这家伙太胖了，以至于有他自己的邮政编码

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:10:25

　　问: Why do Jews have such big noses? （为什么犹太人都有大鼻子？）
　　
　　答: Because air is free. （因为空气是免费的）

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:10:56

　　Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? (一个金发女的左腿会对她的右腿说什么？）
　　
　　A. Nothing, they haven't met! （什么都没说，因为它们还没见过面呢）。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:11:15

You are so fat, you had your baby pictures taken by satellite. 你太胖了，得用遥感卫星才能拍大头贴。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:11:41

　　Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk but McDonald's continue serving the fat fuckers? It's hardly fair.
　　
　　太不公平了！
　　
　　我喝多了酒吧就不卖酒给我
　　
　　凭什么麦当劳还卖汉堡给那些肥仔！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:11:57

　　What's the best way to pick up American girls?
　　
　　Use a crane.
　　
　　钓美国妞最好的方法是什么？
　　
　　起重机

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:12:38

My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

　　我老婆想要一份0到60只需5秒的生日礼物。
　　
　　我给她买了个家用体重计。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-9 09:28:10

　　My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.
　　
　　But once she’d killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive.
　　
　　我和我老婆计划殉情~
　　
　　但是当她成功以后
　　
　　一切似乎美好多了~

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