冷笑话集

sidouxx

　　A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
　　
　　The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
　　
　　一个人走进图书馆，要借一本自杀指南。
　　
　　图书管理员说，滚远！！！你肯定不还了。

sidouxx

　　I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning.
　　
　　However, I've now lost my job on the emergency services desk.
　　
　　今天早上我成功滴识破了大约50个愚人节笑话
　　
　　然后我丢了这份急救中心前台的工作。

sidouxx

　　Every year I play an April Fool's Day prank on my wife.
　　
　　Last year I told her I wasn't leaving her to move to Spain.
　　
　　This year, I called her from Spain to say I was coming back.
　　
　　每年我都给老婆开个愚人节玩笑。
　　
　　去年我告诉她我不会离开她去西班牙的，
　　
　　今年，我从西班牙打电话给她说我想回去了。

sidouxx

　　When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
　　I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.
　　
　　奥巴马发表就职演说的时候，是站在3英寸厚的防弹玻璃后面的。
　　
　　我觉得这有点过了
　　
　　他是黑人又不表示他会开枪打人。

sidouxx

　　Britain is one of the first nations to send search and rescue teams to Japan.
　　
　　Probably because of all the experience gained during the 2.6 magnitude Stoke-on-Trent quake of 1963.
　　
　　英国是第一批向日本派出搜救队的国家之一。
　　
　　或许是因为我们有着1963年斯托克城2.6级地震的丰富搜救经验。

sidouxx

　　BBC News - British student dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Majorca.
　　
　　Fuck, how high was that balcony!?
　　
　　BBC 新闻- 英国男孩从阳台跌落，两周后死亡。
　　
　　靠，这阳台是有多高啊！？

sidouxx

　　BBC News: 'Plus size women worth £10bn to the fashion industry'
　　
　　Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...
　　
　　BBC 新闻：大尺码女性每年为时尚业贡献100亿英镑。
　　
　　这比起她们对食品业的贡献都是个毛毛。

sidouxx

　　Apparently, Colonel Gaddafi's gone into hiding and has surrounded himself with forty virgins.
　　
　　Well, at least we know he isn't hiding in Newcastle.
　　
　　很明显卡扎菲将军在40个处女的掩护之下藏起来了。
　　
　　那个，至少我们可以知道他没藏在纽卡斯尔。

sidouxx

　　I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money
　　
　　这个国家究竟是肿么了？
　　
　　女学生穿的跟鸡似的，鸡穿的跟女学生似的。
　　
　　都不知道应该带糖合适还是带钱合适了。

sidouxx

　　Had a blind date last night.
　　She looked like something I'd draw with my left hand.....
　　
　　昨天晚上去相亲。
　　
　　那姑娘长的呀，就像我用左手画出来的似的。

sidouxx

　　第一次用公交IC卡，上车后我向司机亮了卡片，就走向座位。
　　不料，司机冲我喊道：“读卡！”
　　我便对着IC卡，认真读：“襄阳市公交IC卡！”
　　司机说：“到那边读！”
　　我走到司机指的地方，用尽全力念道：“襄阳市公交IC卡！”

cy183

sidouxx 发表于 2012-1-6 10:30
　　Had a blind date last night.
　　She looked like something I'd draw with my left hand.....
　　 ...

sidouxx

cy183 发表于 2012-1-6 10:44

谢谢你置顶，精华

sidouxx

我是建筑大学的，今天去买房子，突然发现规划的是自己同学，开发的是自己同学，施工的是自己同学，监理的是自己同学，装修的还是自己同学。想想都害怕，你妹啊，坑爹呐!都是一群考试前才看书的突击货……

sidouxx

在中国有一个最凶残的人，名叫活活，因为我们常看到或听到：活活把人打死了、活活把人逼死了、活活把人气死了；活活把人急死了……在中国，有一个最可怜的人，名叫活活，因为我们也常看到或听到：活活被打死了、活活被急死了、活活被逼死了、活活被气死了……

sidouxx

吃好晚饭和老公下楼散步，突然很想吃水果，两人摸遍所有口袋摸到2元3毛钱，遂走进超市转了半天，横竖比价，挑了两根小黄瓜，称重，2元3毛整！！！狂喜，高举黄瓜大喊，喔，老公，我太牛逼了，大小正合适，爽！周围众男侧目，我瞬间中石化……

sidouxx

上班迟到的原因：早上做了个梦，梦里我和几个朋友被劫持了，大伙正考虑怎么脱身的时候闹钟响了。起来正准备穿衣服，突然想到如果我溜掉了，剩下的哥们会不会被杀掉啊？兄弟如手足，我可不能扔下兄弟们不管，于是就躺下接着睡了～

sidouxx

某君的QQ状态很搞，上面浪漫的写着：“你五毛我五毛，那么咱俩就能一块了！”众人羡慕之时，另一女说到：“你六毛我六毛咱俩就能一块2了。”再另一女接到：“你七毛我七毛，咱俩就能一块死了

sidouxx

　　How do you make your girlfriend cry while you are having sex?
　　
　　Phone her up and tell her about it!

sidouxx

　　I'm adopted, and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.
　　
　　But why everyday?
　　
　　我是被收养的，我很欣慰父母很诚实的告诉了我一切。
　　
　　但是也不用天天说吧？

sidouxx

　　I was way too drunk last night to drive home.
　　
　　So I drove to another party.
　　
　　我那天晚上喝太多了，实在不能开车回家。
　　
　　所以我就开车去下一场了。

sidouxx

　　I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.
　　
　　So I hired a hitman.
　　
　　我跟我前女友说 我想杀了她！
　　
　　她说我需要专业人士帮助
　　
　　所以我雇了个职业杀手。

sidouxx

　　My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second.
　　
　　I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute.

sidouxx

　　I've just read a report that cardboard packaging made from recycled newsprint can cause cancer.
　　I'm really worried now as for many years I've been buying my cigarettes packaged in this stuff.
　　
　　我刚刚读了一篇报道说用回收的报纸做成的硬纸盒包装物会导致癌症。
　　这真让我挺担忧的，因为这么多年我买的烟都是这种包装啊。。。

sidouxx

　　I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
　　
　　Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
　　
　　She said, "Yes you are."
　　
　　I said, "No I'm fucking not."
　　
　　She said, "Can you tell the time?"
　　
　　I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."

sidouxx

　　So, earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'jesus, the fucking stupid animal is so damn easily amused'
　　
　　And then I realised that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.
　　
　　那个，今天，我看见邻居家的猫玩我家百叶窗上的挂绳，一玩就是10多分钟。
　　
　　我想，我嘞个老天爷，这个傻猫也太容易自娱自乐了吧~
　　
　　然后我意识到自己看它玩儿也看了10来分钟了。

sidouxx

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered mothers from China use? Toothpicks?
　　
　　考虑到母亲们怎么用小小号的勺子和叉子给她们的宝宝喂饭，然后我就纳了闷了，中国的娘咋办啊，用俩牙签喂？

sidouxx

　　Little Johnny was walking home from school with his mum, telling her about his day..."Mummy, at playtime, I saw Daddy's car go into the woods Aunty Jane was with him".."Oh ",said Mum," carry on".."
　　Then, me and Jack sneaked out and followed them and saw them kissing and..".."Stop!" Said Mum,"Why don't you save your story and tell us all tonight, so Daddy can hear too".
　　So at the table , little Johnny, told them.."I saw Daddy's car go into the woods near school and me and Jack went into the woods. We saw daddy kissing Aunty Jane then they took their clothes off and did that thing what Mummy and Uncle Bob do when Daddy's at work".. Mum fainted..
　　The moral of this story is;
　　Women should always shut up,listen and let people finish before interrupting.
　　
　　意思是：
　　小约在放学回家路上跟妈叨叨说，我玩的时候看见爸把车开进小树林了，车里坐着珍姨，我偷偷跟着去看，看见他们亲嘴了，还有……妈说，住嘴，等晚上给大家一起讲吧，你爸也听听。晚上在饭桌上小约给他们讲，我看见爸开车进了学校旁边小树林，就跟过去了，还看见爸亲珍姨，然后脱光光，然后干了点爸上班去的时候妈跟鲍叔干的事。
　　
　　这故事教育我们：
　　女人应该一直闭好嘴，好好听，别打断人家说话，让人家好好把话说完！

sidouxx

　　Service is so slow at my local Chinese restaurant, I've just had an Autumn roll delivered.
　　
　　我们本地的中餐馆服务太慢了，我刚收到一份送来的秋卷

sidouxx

　　What's the difference between rape and murder?
　　
　　My mood.
　　
　　强奸和谋杀有什么区别？
　　
　　区别在于我当时的心情。