冷笑话集

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:25:52

　　In the news: Significant drop in drink driving deaths. That'll be because people can't afford both alcohol and petrol.
　　
　　新闻里说酒驾死亡人数大幅减少。我看是因为买了酒就加不起油了吧。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:26:20

　　My mum's mentally unstable...I guess I'm partly to blame. Sometimes I watch football holding an Xbox controller just to screw with her head. 我妈精神不太稳定，我觉得自己是有责任的。
　　
　　有时候我会拿着xbox手柄看足球赛把她搞晕。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:26:45

　　The doctor tells the patient to undress, she does so and asks, "Where will I put my clothes?" "Hang them up over here," he says, "next to mine."
　　
　　医生让病人脱了衣服检查。
　　
　　她脱了以后问医生，“我衣服挂哪儿呢？”
　　
　　“挂那儿就行了”，他说，“挂我衣服旁边”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:27:14

　So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister. Or has it?
　　
　　我听说泰国诞生了有史以来第一位女总理。确定是女的？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:28:01

　　A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once, fucking goldfish died...
　　
　　最近一项调查显示29%的宠物主人会和宠物在一张床上睡觉。
　　
　　我曾经试过一次，我的金鱼就挂了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:28:40

　　When Michael Jackson died he had all his songs played on the radio for months. Its times like this that i hope Justin Bieber doesn't die.
　　
　　Michael Jackson身故后，他的歌曲在电台连续播放了几个星期。
　　
　　当时我立刻希望Justin Bieber长命百岁。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:29:10

　　BBC news: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year". Fuck, what site are they downloading them off? It's free for me...
　　
　　BBC新闻说非法下载盗版电影每年造成的损失数以亿计。
　　
　　靠，这些人在哪儿下的电影？我都是免费下的啊。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 20:59:32

　　I hate everything about my Mother-in-law; her attitude, her face, her daughter....
　　
　　我看我丈母娘哪哪儿都不顺眼。她的态度，她的长相，她的女儿。。。
　　

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:00:30

　　I threw one of my students out of a lesson for wanting to fight. That sort of behaviour will not be tolerated in the French armed forces!
　　
　　一个想打架的学生被我赶出教室了。
　　
　　在法国军队里发生这样的事情就是不成！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:00:59

　　Math: because sometimes Maths is just too hard to spell.
　　
　　Math的出现是因为Maths拼写实在太复杂了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:01:25

　　Dark humour isn''t everyone''s cup of liquidised dead baby.
　　
　　黑色幽默不是每个人的那杯死婴肉茸汤。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:01:48

　　American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water! Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:02:05

　　I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."
　　
　　我最讨厌有人说：他是个好人，你要去了解他。
　　
　　倒不如说：他是个混球，你要去适应他。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:02:25

　　What's the difference between Canada, Mexico and America? America has nice neighbours.
　　
　　加拿大，墨西哥和美国有什么区别？
　　
　　美国的邻国非常友善。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:02:50

　　Every once in a while I stop and think, "I know you can read my thoughts." Just in case.
　　
　　每过一会儿我就用脑子想，“我知道你能读我的心。”以防万一。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:03:20

　　The world''s newest country was formed today. South Sudan has already gone ahead of Scotland in the Fifa world rankings.
　　
　　今天世界上刚成立一个新的国家，南苏丹已经在FIFA排名上超过苏格兰了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:03:50

　　Pandas are the most anti racist animals on the earth. White, black and asian.
　　
　　熊猫是世界上最反种族歧视的动物。人家是黑的，白的，亚裔

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:04:11

　　If I had a penny for every time someone said I have OCD, I'd have 967274 pence.
　　
　　如果每次有人说我强迫症我就赚1分钱的话，那我现在应该有967274分了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:04:49

　　My son is at that age when he''s started crawling. You know the age, ＂You''re the best dad, can I have a tenner?＂
　　
　　我儿子现在正是会在地上爬来爬去的年纪~
　　
　　这个阶段你懂的，他还会说“你是世界上最好的把拔了~ 给我100块钱嘛~ ”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:05:15

　　"iPad is thin. iPad is beautiful." My laptop developed an eating disorder because of that advert.
　　
　　“iPad纤巧又漂亮~" 我家笔记本看了这条广告都饮食紊乱了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:06:23

　　Did you know that iPads and iPhones float in water? Go on try it, I promise it's true!
　　
　　你还不知道吧~
　　
　　IPad和IPhone是可以漂在水面上的！
　　
　　还不快去试试，我保证是真的！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:06:50

　　My wife phoned me at work and said, "I'm not wearing any knickers" I said, "I'll tell the boss I'm feeling sick" She said, "So you can come home early and fuck me?" I said, "No, because I'm feeling sick"
　　
　　老婆在上班的时候打电话给我“我没穿小内内哦~”
　　
　　我说，“我马上给老板说我想吐。”
　　
　　她说：“那你就可以早点下班和我嘿咻了是吧？”
　　
　　我说，不是，我真的想吐。”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:07:12

　　Definition of irony:- Fat people having to resort to jogging pants when they can't get trousers to fit them.
　　
　　真是讽刺：胖纸因为买不到合适的裤子只能去买运动裤。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:07:31

　　What is it with women and periods. Everything is your fault when she''s having one, and it''s your fault if she doesn''t.
　　
　　女人和月经究竟是怎么一回事呢？
　　
　　她来月经的时候一切都是你的错；她不来月经还是你的错。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:09:02

　　I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows, cars turned upside down, a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make. . . . I turned to the wife and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!'
　　
　　外面一片狼藉，破碎的窗户，翻倒的轿车，燃烧的巴士，人们慌不择路，警察束手无策。。。
　　
　　我转向她说，老婆，振作点！你尽力了，刚才应该我来停车的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:09:24

　　It's been a terrible week in the UK... unless you're having an affair with a cop's missus.
　　
　　英国人这周过得都不安生，警察老婆和她情夫除外。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:10:27

　　Some of the Rioters caught have been as young as 11 years old. Its fucking disgusting if you ask me. I mean, what kind of example are they setting to their kids?
　　
　　有些被抓的暴乱分子竟然只有11岁。
　　
　　简直太过分了！
　　
　　给他们的孩子树立了多坏的榜样啊？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:11:07

　　"Hello Norway?"... "Yeah" "This is Britain".... "Yeah" "We need to borrow someone"...
　　
　　“你好，挪威吗？”
　　
　　“是啊哪位？”
　　
　　“英国”
　　
　　“什么事？”
　　
　　“我们想借个人。”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:11:36

　　My son just said to me, "Look at all those policemen on the news just standing there, letting the niggers do whatever they want." "Now son, I've told you before: you can't say that word anymore, it's offensive." "Sorry Dad, I mean police officers." Good lad.
　　
　　儿子刚跟我说，“看新闻里警察就戳在那儿，放任那些黑鬼想干嘛就干嘛啊。”
　　
　　我说，“儿子，我跟你说过了，你不能用那个词，太伤人。”
　　
　　“对不起爸爸，我是说警官。”
　　
　　嗯，这才是好孩子。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-25 21:12:36

　　I see a couple of police cars were wrecked during last night's riots in Tottenham. Rather short-sighted of the black community, ruining 2 of their methods of public transport like that.
　　
　　我看昨晚Tottenham一带暴乱两辆警车被烧了啊。
　　
　　这些黑人真是短视怎么能把自己的公共交通工具毁了呢？

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