冷笑话集

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:07:49

　　The wife goes mad with me if I borrow her razor.Like I'm going to use my own to shave my arse.
　　
　　我老婆真是的，借一下她的剃刀就暴跳如雷。
　　
　　我总不能拿自己的去刮pp的毛儿吧~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:08:11

　　hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour's kids do is scream.I'm seriously considering giving them back.
　　
　　天气也太热了真讨厌！
　　
　　我必须把窗户关紧因为邻居家小孩一直尖叫~
　　
　　话说我是不是该把他们送回去？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:08:36

　　learned a few things today: 1. I'm gonna be a dad. 2. I'm gonna be an uncle. 3. My sister's not on the pill.
　　
　　今天我了解了3件事情：
　　
　　我要当爸爸了，我要当舅舅了，我妹妹没吃避孕药。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:09:08

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... The 5 stages of buying petrol.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:09:27

　　If time is money, then aren't all ATMs time machines?
　　
　　如果时间就是金钱，那ATM不就是时光机了么~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:10:07

　　If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why are Americans so fucking worried?
　　
　　外星人寻找智慧生物，美国人瞎担心个什么劲啊~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:10:31

　　 "Where do you come from?" the Englishman asked the American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Englishman, "you've got the strangest English accent I've ever heard."
　　
　　一个英国人问美国人说，你是从哪里来的？
　　
　　美国人回答说，我来自世界上最伟大的国家。
　　
　　英国人说，有意思，我从来没听过这么奇怪的英国口音。
　　

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:10:59

　　It's been exactly a year since I stopped smoking. And 364 days since I started again.
　　
　　今天是我戒烟一周年和复吸364天纪念日。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:11:30

　　BBC News- "Mobiles 'may cause brain cancer'" Download our iPhone app for more on this story.
　　
　　BBC新闻：手机可以导致脑癌
　　
　　请下载我们的iphone应用以获得更多相关信息。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:11:56

　　When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution." They got that wrong! Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident." ”
　　
　　上学的时候，其他小朋友把我推选为“最有可能进精神病院的同学”。
　　
　　他们错了。
　　
　　事实上我是“唯一一个在神秘离奇事故中幸存的同学”。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:12:25

They say that men think with their penis... Well women don't have a penis. Coincidence?

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:12:43

　　My doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
　　
　　医生认为我患有妄想症。
　　
　　虽然他没明说，但是我知道他是这么想的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:13:04

　　I don''t tell sexist jokes at parties any more. They''re too complicated for women.
　　
　　我懒得再在派对上讲些性别歧视的笑话了
　　
　　反正她们也听不懂。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:13:30

　　My wife says I'm too impulsive. What the fuck does she know? She only met me yesterday.
　　
　　我老婆说我这个人做事易冲动。
　　
　　她知道个P啊，我们昨天才认识的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:13:47

　　My servant says I don''t treat her like a wife.
　　
　　我佣人说我从来不把她当成老婆来看待。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:14:29

　　Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"He winked at me and said, "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
　　
　　老婆刚生完BB，我问医生：“我们多久之后可以开始嘿咻？”
　　
　　他冲我挤挤眼睛说“那个，我10分钟后就下班，停车场见~”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:15:01

　　My daughter accused me of being a bad father. I don't know how she can say that... ...she's hardly ever met me.
　　
　　我女儿指责我不是个好爸爸。
　　
　　我不懂她凭什么这么说。
　　
　　她压根就没怎么见过我。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:15:21

　As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said "Dan, I've failed you as a mother." "Mum, my name is Dave."

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:15:39

Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:20:04

　　Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
　　
　　对毒品说“不”！
　　
　　这样价格就没那么贵了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:20:40

　　I nearly had a threesome last night, but my girlfriend decided she didn't want to at the last minute. Gerald and I still had a great time though.
　　
　　昨天晚上差点儿就3p了，最后一秒我女朋友决定退出。
　　
　　没事儿，就剩我和杰拉德也开心着呢~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:21:03

　　I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my car and then drove off without paying. Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase. I ran out of petrol half a mile down the road.
　　
　　我给车加了100块钱的油，然后果断逃单~
　　
　　真倒霉，警察两三下就把我截获，主要是我跑了半英里就没油了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:21:23

　　After being convicted for rape I''ve been sent to prison for 4 years and ordered to pay my victim £；10,000. Surely if I''m paying her £；10,000 then it''s not rape.
　　
　　我强奸罪名成立，被判入狱4年，赔偿受害者1W镑。
　　
　　既然我付了1万那就不应该叫强奸了啊。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:21:45

　　So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs." 警察带着警犬走过来对我说，“我的狗告诉我你吸毒了。”
　　
　　“我吸毒了？你才是那个嗨到跟狗对话的人吧。”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:22:10

　　Cocaine is not addictive, I should know, I've been using it for years .
　　
　　可卡因不会成瘾。
　　
　　我很了解好不好
　　
　　我都抽了这些年了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:22:32

　　Trust America to name a State after a bucket of fried chicken.
　　
　　只有美国人才会蠢到用一桶炸鸡来命名一个州。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:22:55

　　You know you're constipated when you have read every shampoo bottle in every language.
　　
　　当你把每瓶洗发水上的各种语言说明都读了一遍，你应该明白自己便秘了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:24:25

　　Just finished reading the fifth book in the ＂learning to count＂ trilogy.
　　
　　刚读完《学会计数》三部曲的第五本。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:24:45

　　I just caught my son taking ecstasy tablets. Just goes to show... You can't leave anything lying around when you've got a 2 year old in the house.
　　
　　刚刚儿子吃迷幻药被我逮个正着！
　　
　　这件事情告诉我们：家里有个两岁大的小孩东西就不能随便乱扔。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-22 21:25:20

　　No matter how hard I try, I don''t understand why people drop gum in urinals. There was still plenty of flavour left in them.
　　
　　我一直都没想通，怎么会有人把口香糖扔小便池呢？！
　　
　　好多都还有甜味没嚼干净呢。

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