冷笑话集

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:29:54

　　My Dad came up to me today and said, "Son, is there any chance that you can help me write the words to go in my will?" "No problem Dad" I said "Just leave everything to me".
　　
　　爸爸走过来对我说，儿子，你能帮我执笔写份遗嘱吗？
　　
　　我说，没问题，一切交给我吧~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:30:15

　　My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?
　　
　　
　　我的实验室助手发明了一个仪器。
　　
　　它可以让你瞬间偷走别人的点子，同时彻底删除被盗者的记忆。
　　
　　我怎么没想到发明这样一个东西呢？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:30:41

　　I was in church the other day and in the middle of a prayer the lady next to me lit up a fag! I was so shocked I nearly dropped my beer.
　　
　　那天在教堂正祷告着呢，旁边的女人点了根烟~
　　
　　当时我就震惊了
　　
　　手上的啤酒都要掉了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:31:01

　　Grandma complains "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, and a fresh chicken.""Yes," says Harry, "that's inflation.""Not inflation," says grandma, "it's all them fucking CCTV cameras they have nowadays."
　　
　　奶奶抱怨说
　　
　　我年轻的时候，拿5分钱上街就能买回来一打鸡蛋，两大盒牛奶和一只新鲜的整鸡~
　　
　　哈利说，奶奶这叫通货膨胀~
　　
　　奶奶说，通货膨胀个毛线啊，还不是tnnd闭路电视摄像头闹的~！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:31:22

　　My wife is leaving me because I'm too stupid and I snore a lot, so I'm staying up tonight to see if she is right.
　　
　　老婆要和我分手，她说我又蠢又爱打呼噜。
　　
　　哎我还就不信了，今天晚上不睡了看她说的是不是真的~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:31:41

　　The wife was having a go at me recently: Wife: You don't get on with my parents Me: That's normal, nobody gets on with their ex Wife: Oh my God, you fucked my mum? Me: No.
　　
　　我老婆冲着我嚷嚷，你怎么不能和我父母好好相处呢？
　　
　　我说，这很正常，没人愿意和前任有什么瓜葛。
　　
　　她说，饿滴神啊，你和我妈有一腿？
　　
　　我说，没有。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:32:04

　　Don't you hate it when you wake up from a drunken night out with 'I love cock' written on your fore-head? Especially when you've been drinking at home. Alone.
　　
　　太可恶了
　　
　　喝多了早上起来发现脑门上写着“我爱鸡鸡”
　　
　　更何况还是在自己家喝的
　　
　　家里还没外人。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:32:24

　　Saying "the gay guy from X-Factor" is kind of like saying: "the Chinese man from China".
　　
　　“选秀节目中的Gay男”这话就等于“中国的中国人”。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:32:41

　　How was the Grand Canyon formed? A Scotsman lost a tenner down a rabbit hole
　　
　　大峡谷是怎么形成的？
　　
　　一个苏格兰人把10镑掉进兔子洞里了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:33:23

　　The British Airways cabin crew strike. In a nutshell; a perfect example of why we didn't used to let women and gays vote on anything.
　　
　　英航乘务组开始罢工。
　　
　　总之就是不能让女人和小Gay投票决定任何事情就对了~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:34:02

　　You know that signs that say, "GUIDE DOGS ONLY", well who is it directed at? The dog?
　　
　　“只许导盲犬进入”到底是写给盲人看的，还是写给狗狗看的？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:34:28

　　My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each.
　　
　　朋友们总说我抠门，所以我决定请他们喝啤酒~
　　
　　结果竟然每人都要喝一瓶~！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:34:57

　　When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
　　
　　小时候，爸爸妈妈说完脏话就会说那是法语。
　　
　　我永远也不能忘记第一天上学的时候老师问谁会讲法语呀？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:35:17

　　Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the bitch busy.
　　
　　收到封邮件
　　
　　“32岁家庭主妇，孤独寂寞求安慰~”
　　
　　我立刻给她寄了个熨斗，好让这个臭娘们忙起来。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:01:04

　　My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath. I suppose I should wait until she gets out.
　　
　　我老婆说我往浴缸里嘘嘘实在是太恶心了
　　
　　想想也是，应该等她先出来的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:01:24

　　Can't believe London's getting bomb threats from the IRA. We gave Ireland 12 points at Eurovision. Ungrateful bastards.
　　
　　简直不敢相信伦敦的炸弹威胁是来自爱尔兰共和军的
　　
　　我们欧洲歌唱大赛还给他们投了12分呢。
　　
　　不知感恩的魂淡啊~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:02:12

　　My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession. She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you." I said, "But, Baby, I can change." She said, "There you go again!"
　　
　　
　　因为太痴迷于动漫，女朋友昨天和我分手了。
　　
　　她说，我受够了！你天天觉得自己就是变形金刚。太傻了，我要和你分手！
　　
　　我说，但是亲，我可以变。
　　
　　她说，不是吧，又来。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:02:37

　　Sky News-"One Family, One Dog Policy For Shanghai" How the fuck can they feed a whole family on just one dog?
　　
　　sky新闻：上海推行“一家一狗”制度。
　　
　　一家就养一条怎么TMD够全家人吃啊？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:03:07

　　Teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the errors: "I ain't had no fun in months" "Now, how should I correct this sentence.""Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny.
　　
　　老师在黑板上写了个病句：“我木有虾米没乐子几个月了”
　　
　　同学们，我要怎么纠正呢？
　　
　　小明回答：去找个新男朋友吧~
　　

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:03:27

A teacher spotted little Johnny drawing pictures. She asks, "What are you drawing?" "I''m drawing God," little Johnny replies. The teacher paused and then says, "But nobody knows what he looks like." "They will in a minute," he replies.

老师看见小明在画画，就问，你画什么呢？
小明回答，我在画上帝。

　　老师顿了一下说，但是没人知道上帝长什么样子啊。
　　
　　小明回答，他们马上就知道了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:03:55

　　A new teacher started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
　　
　　新老师说，谁觉得自己笨，就站起来！
　　
　　几秒钟后，小明站了起来。
　　
　　老师问，你觉得自己笨吗？
　　
　　小明回答，不是的老师，我只是不想看你一个人站着怪可怜的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:04:18

　　My favourite text message to send to the missus when I'm at the pub: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... If not... read this again."
　　
　　我喝酒的时候最爱给老婆发的短信是
　　
　　“过5分钟就回家。。。如果没回。。。把这条短信再看一遍”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:04:47

　　If anyone is thinking about buying an auto-biography, I don't want to ruin the ending for you but they write a book.
　　
　　如果有人考虑买本自传书看看，我不想剧透，但是最终他们都写了本书。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:05:13

　　I met this girl in a night club last night and she said, "I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks." She wasn't wearing any socks. Stupid bitch.
　　
　　我昨天在夜店认识一MM
　　
　　她说“告诉你一个秘密呀，我的内内和袜子是配套的呢~”
　　
　　她就没穿袜子配什么套！这个傻妞！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:05:37

　　A mother finds an S&M magazine under the son's bed. she asks dad. "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not sure," he replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."
　　
　　妈妈在儿子床下面发现了一本S&M杂志，她立刻去问爸爸，我们该怎么办？
　　
　　爸爸回答，我也不知道，但是我们绝对不能抽他。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:06:06

　　I can't believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended. I mean, for fuck sake they visit her nearly every day and haven't dropped in to see me once,and my prison is on the way to her cemetery.
　　
　　我们婚姻结束后，我老婆娘家那群人特别不靠谱。
　　
　　TNND他们每天都会去看望她，但是从来没人看过我一次！
　　
　　更何况我呆的监狱还恰恰是在去她墓地的路上.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:06:27

Barack Obama : "The whole experience has been exhausting". "Yeah tell me about it, I've just had to swim for 9 days straight wearing sandals. "

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:06:45

　　Sorry for staring at your tits... I thought I was wearing my sunglasses.
　　
　　不好意思盯着你的咪咪看了，我还以为我戴着墨镜呢。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:07:04

　　I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
　　
　　我已经一年半没跟老婆讲过话了，因为我不想打断她。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 21:07:23

　　What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common? They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!
　　
　　伟哥和迪斯尼的共同点是：他们都会让你站着等一个小时就为了爽2分钟~

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