冷笑话集

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:16:59

　　I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the window in the front room, shagging the milkman.
　　
　　It was only after I'd bludgeoned her to death that I realised that the image was two years old.
　　
　　
　　When I used to be a milkman.
　　
　　我跟google街景上看见我老婆在跟个送牛奶的调情。
　　
　　把她打死后我才想起来，那照片得是两年前的了。
　　
　　
　　
　　那时候我在送牛奶。。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:18:36

　　Say no to AV.
　　
　　You get much better picture and sound quality with HDMI.
　　
　　珍爱生命，远离AV!!
　　
　　用HDMI你会得到更好的画质和音质。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:30:12

　　So Osama bin Laden was buried at sea just as Japan had dumped radioactive water into the ocean.
　　
　　This has the makings of an awesome monster movie.
　　
　　那个
　　
　　拉登被撂海里了，刚好日本也把核电辐射水投海里了。
　　
　　这意味着精彩的怪兽电影即将上演~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:46:43

　　I totally smashed the world record today for holding your breath under water 8 minutes 48 seconds.
　　It all started when the small girl at the swimming baths said to her Dad " that's the man there Daddy"
　　
　　今天我以8分48秒的华丽丽战绩打破了世界水下憋气记录！
　　
　　就是因为那个穿着泳衣的小女孩说
　　
　　“爸，就是那个男人！”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:47:22

　　BBC news: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up in Afghanistan, killing two people
　　
　　I cant help thinking that Bin Laden might have been the brains behind Al Qaeda
　　
　　BBC 新闻：八名人体炸弹在阿富汗的自杀式攻击中杀死了两名无辜。
　　
　　基地组织唯一有脑子的拉登看来是真的死了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:48:16

　　It's hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.
　　
　　我很难向你们叙述姐的叙述能力有多强。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:48:49

I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:50:27

　　我读过的最冷的英文笑话是在中国，而且是在我当年的人教版的初中英语教科书里：
　　
　　Xiao Ming: What time is it?
　　Xiao Hong: It's nine o'clock.
　　Xiao Ming: Let's go to bed.
　　Xiao Hong: We go to bed at nine o'clock.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:51:02

Today I feel like a tampon. In a good place... at the wrong time.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:55:20

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:55:50

　　You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
　　
　　如果在地址栏里输入每个常用字都会联想出一大堆色情网站的名字
　　
　　你是真的该反思一下了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:56:55

What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank? Your ears.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:57:31

　　Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?
　　
　　那些反堕胎人士朝人流诊所砸鸡蛋是不是有点讽刺？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:58:22

　　You may hate paedophiles...but at least they drive slowly when passing schools.
　　
　　你可以讨厌恋童癖，但是起码人家开车经过学校还知道减速。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:58:54

　　Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.
　　
　　快餐店就像妓院一样
　　
　　你交钱让别人干你老婆该干的事情

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 09:59:31

　　Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship. Men say, "Big fucking deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"
　　
　　数据表明女性认为自己比男性更聪明
　　
　　因为她们懂得在恋爱中装高潮~
　　
　　男人说：还以为多大本事，劳资为了高潮还装恋爱呢。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 10:00:29

　　My wife says I talk in my sleep. Bollocks. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
　　
　　我老婆说我睡觉说梦话。
　　
　　扯吧就，没一个同事这样说过！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 10:01:05

　　One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
　　
　　一天，老公回家发现老婆身穿一件性感睡衣，娇滴滴地说，把我绑起来吧，然后你想怎么样都可以~~
　　
　　所以他把她绑好后出门打高尔夫去了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 10:01:41

　　I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
　　
　　我总算报了圣诞购物的一箭之仇~
　　
　　我带女朋友连续去了8家酒吧，一杯酒都没买！
　　
　　然后回到第一家买了一杯~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 10:02:17

If God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter. Maybe that's why the T-rex was always so angry.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-16 10:02:56

　　My wife announced that she'd been sleeping with another man for the past five years. "Another man?" I asked. "Who's the first guy?"
　　
　　我老婆今天摊牌说她已经和另一个男人偷情5年了~
　　
　　“另一个？你之前还偷过一个？”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:24:52

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your fucking sense of humour."
　　
　　老婆脱光光以后问老公
　　
　　什么更能让你激情燃烧？我美丽的脸庞还是性感的身体？
　　
　　老公上下看看她说
　　
　　你无敌的幽默感。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:25:31

　　I'm so worried - I don’t know what to do now postmen have voted to stage a national strike. If only scientists could invent a way for us to use computers to send mail electronically over the internet.
　　
　　我好怕怕~ 我不知道该怎么办~
　　
　　邮递员要举行全国罢工了呢~
　　
　　要是科学家们能给我们发明一种用电脑通过互联网就能发电子信件的方式就好了~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:25:57

　　I recently bought a surround-sound system for my TV - it is so crisp, clear and lifelike. My neighbours now think I have the most incredible sex life and can speak eight different languages...
　　
　　最近我给电视配了个环绕音响
　　
　　高音甜、中音准、低音劲、宛如身临其境~
　　
　　邻居们现在都觉得我性生活无比强大
　　
　　还会讲8国语言。。。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:26:28

　　Some universities have Women Studies, but no Men Studies. That's pretty sexist, but then I realised we do have Men Studies. It's called History.
　　
　　很多大学都开设了“女性研究”专业，但是没有“男性研究”专业。
　　
　　这也太性别歧视了吧~
　　
　　但是我突然想到我们有“男性研究”专业，叫做“历史:history”。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:27:02

　　I saw a poster that said, "Breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2-3 years".I would imagine that not breathing air would reduce it considerably more.
　　
　　我看一个布告上写着
　　
　　“呼吸城市的空气可以让你的寿命缩短2-3年。”
　　
　　我觉得好像不呼吸寿命缩短的更多点吧。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:28:07

　　A woman came up to me on street, "A cow was murdered to make that jacket, you know." I said, "I didn't realise there were any witnesses - now it looks like I'll have to kill you too."
　　
　　一个女人走过来跟我说
　　
　　你知道吗？为了做你这件皮夹克，一头牛被活活杀害了。
　　
　　我说，我没注意当时旁边还有目击者，这么说来只好把你也灭口喽。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:28:43

　　There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy. One is to take her shopping. The rest is 69. (By OneAndOnlyPaul Added: 1 year, 9 months ago )

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:29:07

　　"The greatest thing about the internet, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." - George Washington.
　　
　　互联网最大的优点是，你可以引用一些凭空捏造的原文”
　　
　　-------- 乔治华盛顿。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-18 10:29:31

What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance? I don't know and I don't give a fuck!

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