冷笑话集

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:58:37

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
　　
　　Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 09:59:08

　　I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night...
　　
　　Especially as I fucking walked there in the first place.
　　
　　昨天晚上我不应该在酒吧喝多了还开车回家、
　　
　　特别是我一开始是他妈的走去的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 10:00:47

　　I left my phone at home this morning, I've just nipped home at lunchtime to pick it up and my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying:
　　
　　"Hi hun, you've left your phone in the kitchen"
　　
　　What the fuck am I still doing with this woman?
　　
　　早上忘带手机
　　
　　午饭时间急忙赶回家取，发现我老婆9点38分发了条短信：
　　
　　“亲，你把手机忘在厨房了”
　　
　　我简直不知道自己为毛还要跟这个女人过下去！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 10:02:13

　　My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.
　　It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.昨晚我跟女朋友出去吃饭。有些食客居然说我“恋童”，“老牛吃嫩草”。就只是因为我52了而女友只有21。这帮家伙把我们的十周年纪念气氛全搞糟了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 10:05:00

　　My Chinese girlfriend got so annoyed when I told her I thought all Chinese people looked the same.
　　
　　Or it could have been her mum who was annoyed, or her sister or her best friend. I really couldn't tell.
　　
　　我告诉我中国女友说我觉得所有中国人都长得一样，她非常生气。
　　当然也可能是她妈妈非常生气，也可能是她姐姐或者是她最好的那个朋友，因为我实在分不清她们。。。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-12 10:06:04

　　Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
　　
　　I won!
　　
　　No one's a match for me and my kettle.
　　刚在公园和一群小孩打水仗。
　　我赢了！
　　没人能打败我和我的开水壶！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 09:58:47

My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

　　我老婆想要一份0到60只需5秒的生日礼物。
　　
　　我给她买了个家用体重计。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 09:59:36

　　　　A South Korean family go into a Disneyland restaurant.
　　　　
　　　　Dad looks at the menu and says "The 101 Dalmatians please"
　　　　
　　　　一家韩国人走进了迪斯尼餐厅。
　　　　
　　　　阿爸看了看菜单说，给我们来份“101 斑点狗”。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 09:59:54

Kelly is so fat, he shows up on radar. 凯莉太胖了，以至于在雷达上显示出来。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:00:53

　　A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
　　She says "Show me it’s true what they say about black men".
　　So he stabs her and nicks her purse.
　　==========
　　一个黑人在夜店里跟一女人相识，并且准备共度良宵。
　　女人说：他们关于黑人的传闻……是不是真的？请你秀给我看
　　于是黑人捅了她一刀，抢走了她的钱包

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:01:09

　　I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
　　
　　我那天看了哈利波特的电影，我总感觉电影有种非常玄幻，不切实际的味道
　　我的意思是，一个红头发的人居然能有两个朋友？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:01:30

　　If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say, "Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody’s time.
　　
　　养鹦鹉就应该教会它一句话：
　　
　　“救命啊~他们把我变成鹦鹉了！~~”
　　
　　否则你就逊掉了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:01:52

　　Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.
　　
　　蜘蛛人：也是一条上网后手就变粘粘的汉子！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:03:35

　Saw this Facebook group earlier "Treat your girlfriend how you treat your XBox"
　　
　　They can fuck right off!
　　
　　I love my new Xbox and there's no way I would let my mates have a go on it just yet.
　　
　　在群里看见有人写
　　
　　对女朋友就像对XBox一样好
　　
　　立刻给我玩dan去！！！
　　
　　我爱我的新Xbox,Xbox可不能借给伙计们玩~

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:04:03

　　My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute.
　　
　　I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.
　　
　　就因为我在滑雪板上连一分钟都没法站稳，他们就叫我同同！我倒要看看他们穿上高跟鞋怎么站！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:04:56

　　My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
　　
　　Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
　　
　　我现在记性大不如前了。
　　
　　还有，我现在记性大不如前了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:05:23

　　One of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is this normal?
　　
　　我有一个乳头和其它两个颜色不大一样
　　
　　这正常吗？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:07:54

　　Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven’t met the right child yet?
　　
　　你有没有想过，也许你就！是！一个恋童癖，只不过你还没遇到那个真命小孩？

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:08:45

　　Women say men are disgusting because they will piss in the sink if the bathroom is occupied.
　　
　　But they are completely mistaken.
　　
　　Men will piss in the sink if it’s closer.
　　
　　女人说男人超恶心的。如果厕所有人，他们就会尿在洗手池里。
　　
　　她们错了！
　　
　　男人尿在洗手池里是因为比较近。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:09:50

　　My mate just put on Facebook, "Loving the weather! Taking the kids to the park".
　　
　　I commented, "I'm doing the opposite".
　　
　　He wrote, "You working?"
　　
　　I wrote, "No, I'm taking kids from the park".

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:10:25

　　I saw on the news today that India has launched a spaceship to the moon.
　　　　I also half expected to see fifty of the bastards clinging to the side, trying to get a free ride.
　　　　
　　　　看到一则新闻：印度发射了登月飞船
　　　　我想飞船边上大概还挂了50个搭便车的家伙

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:11:24

　　Did anyone else notice that the crowd attending the Communist party celebrations in Beijing today looked a bit bored
　　
　　by it all?
　　
　　Most of them could hardly even keep their eyes open

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:12:18

My wife''s star sign was cancer and it''s quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.
　　
　　我老婆是巨蟹座（cancer也有癌症的意思），讽刺的是她真的死了。。。
　　
　　她是被一只巨蟹攻击致死的。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:12:43

　　I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
　　
　　She turned out to be an undercover detective.
　　
　　How cool is that at her age?!
　　
　　在网上碰到了一个14岁少女，我们见面了。
　　结果发现她是个便衣警察。
　　
　　
　　
　　14岁就当警察也太酷了吧？！

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:13:23

　　A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
　　His wife is lying in bed reading.
　　The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
　　His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
　　The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
　　
　　一男的带着一只羊进了卧室
　　他老婆躺床上看书。
　　男的说，你头痛的时候我就是和这只猪做爱。
　　老婆说，这明明是羊。
　　
　　
　　男的说，我就是在跟羊说话呢。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:14:17

　　The other day, my girlfriend told me that I was one in a million.
　　
　　I thought, "Great, she thinks she could find a thousand more people just as good as me in China."、
　　我女友说我是她万里挑一的对象
　　我想，好吧，她觉得在中国她能找到十几万个跟我一样好的人。。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:14:38

　　Designers of the London Olympic stadium have been advised to use lower power floodlights than the ones used in China after they noticed that 90% of the crowd seemed to be squinting.
　　伦敦奥运会体育馆用暗一点的灯吧，没看北京奥运会的时候观众都被灯照得睁不开眼了吗。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:15:29

　　My 11 year old son got caught fingering a girl called Sarah at his school today.
　　
　　My wife said to me, "You need to have a serious talk with him".
　　
　　I said, "Don't be stupid, he's a lad, We've all done it!"
　　
　　She said, "What do you mean?"
　　
　　I said, "She's easy".
　　
　　儿子今天在学校骚扰了一个叫sarah的女孩。
　　老婆说，你得好好跟他谈谈。
　　我说，别傻了，他还是个孩子，我们都干过这事。
　　老婆说，啥意思？
　　我说，sarah是个挺随便的女孩

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:16:05

　　My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or the internet.
　　
　　So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.
　　
　　我老婆说给我最后一个机会选择，是要她还是要网络。
　　
　　太难过了，
　　
　　这是我给大家最后的一个关于我老婆的笑话了。。。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-1-15 10:16:25

　　My wife started complaining about a fly buzzing around the room, but a few smacks solved that problem.
　　
　　The fly started to get kind of annoying though..
　　
　　我老婆刚在抱怨一只苍蝇在屋子里嗡嗡的飞来飞去。我打了一下就解决问题了。
　　
　　虽然苍蝇还是很讨厌。

		自动登录	找回密码
密码			注册